For Ladies: Why He Treats You Like Crap

Let’s
get something out of the way: I’m not describing physically
abusive/violent relationships. That’s not only treating someone “badly”,
it’s also a felony. If you find yourself in violent relationship —
leave. Period. End.

The relationships I’m discussing are in a grey-ish area: not
physically abusive, but most definitely damaging. They keep you guessing
— Never-A-Dull-Moment style, leaving you muttering to yourself: “It
wasn’t always this way, was it?” No, it wasn’t always … and that’s what
is so damaging. Your guy does treat you right sometimes. But now that
your feelings are out in the open, he has changed. Maybe he isn’t
available as often as he used to be (without a genuine excuse), or
perhaps he is emotionally distant without an explanation, or maybe he
starts fights and arguments, isn’t affectionate, has simply stopped
being thoughtful, or has just disconnected from you. It leaves you
asking yourself some ugly questions: “What did I do wrong? What’s wrong
with me? What did I do to make him change?”


A reality check: You didn’t make him change. Without a weapon, no one
has the power to make someone do anything they don’t want. This leaves
one explanation: He is choosing to act this way. And not only is he
choosing it … you are allowing and enabling it.


Here’s the harsh truth: People can only treat you in ways you allow.
In essence, you give permission and imbue people with the knowledge of
how you want to be treated. So, if you are settling for someone’s poor
treatment or halfway efforts, you are silently telling them, “Thank you.
This is how I want you to treat me, and I like it. More, please.”


Unfortunately this explanation, while accurate, doesn’t provide all
the information needed for an genuine explanation of this pattern.
Often, the real culprit is a lack of self-esteem. People are treated in
ways they don’t like because: 1) On occasion, they receive the love they
want, and they put up with poor behavior the rest of the time to get a
crumb of love at some point in the future; or 2) Their self-esteem is so
low, they feel (consciously or subconsciously) that this is “all” they
are going to get. It’s all they deserve.


If you put up with bad treatment, you are showing your partner that
you don’t respect yourself. You are showing him that you are only worthy
of the unacceptable way he are treating you … and each time you go back
and forgive him, you are reinforcing the bad behavior.


Escaping this cycle is challenging, as your sense of self-worth and
esteem get locked up in the relationship, creating a constant search for
moments of love amidst long bouts of indifference. If you’ve
communicated your needs and he refuses to act or alter his treatment of
you, sometimes the only way out of the cycle is, well, out. Move on to
someone who will treat you like a treasure. And by “someone”, I don’t
mean a new relationship … I mean move on to YOU. Self-worth and
self-esteem emanate from SELF. Start with you. Respect and value you,
and everyone around you will have no choice but to follow your lead.